This Year in DCTech – 2018 edition

It’s that time again. Time to review all the tremendous accomplishments of the most dynamic tech ecosystem south of Columbia Md, North of Springfield VA,  East of Gaithersburg MD and west of Annapolis. Yes, DCTech we’re number 1 out of any city in the world with our exact lat/long coordinates! Yea us! Go Team DC! So let’s get right to it.

  • January – Was Action Packed!!!!
    • Amazon Will Change Everything – Amazon announced they would hold a beauty contest to determine which town they will destroy by overloading local infrastructure, straining the already huge employment talent gap by bringing 50,000 new jobs parked in Amazon HQ2. DC is one of the “lucky” cities to make the short list (see post).
    • Boice Is The Champion – Danny Boice wins the coveted Worst Wolf of Startupland Title.
    • Making Shit Happen (As Long as Nothing Happening is the Definition of Happening) – Lots of good news from Jonathon Perrelli and LifeFuels… not only did they not release a product but they went to CES to celebrate the product they didn’t have!
    • This Is Going To Be Big – Big news from DCInno… They announced their weekly District Download podcast in a partnership with General Assembly. The wildly successful podcast lasted 3 entire weeks! Making it the most successful 3-week podcast series ever by DCInno.
  • February – Where did February go? Hey, it’s a short month that was short on news.
    • The Month That Might Not Have Been – I can’t find one article about February in DCInno (formerly InTheCapital or better known as Innane Crapital)… if DCInno, a team of “journalists” that thinks a startup adding metric measurements to their platform is news can’t find anything that happened in February then please don’t hold me to a higher standard.
    • Big Announcement of an Upcoming Announcement – Jonathon Perrelli of LifeFuels proudly announced, “Once we announce our Series A investment, we will not only have the capital to go to market, we will also have a timeline for production.” So what he’s basically saying is that if he ever raises a Series A, he’ll announce that he raised it and then he’ll make another announcement.” Still waiting for him to close that old Series A and deliver a product that he’s been unable to deliver for almost 5 years (see post).
    • Grouchy Columnist Almost Goes Blind In Pursuit of News – I was so desperate for a February story that I even checked out Technically.dc… no stories on February but you, my readers owe me big time… I’ll never be able to unsee that drivel on that site.
    • There’s no Team In Team – Bumbling scam artist, Matthew Pugsley was forced to remove his team and board page when someone besides DCInno and Technically DC did some research (see post).
  • March – March Madness Baby!
    • The Tallest Pigmy – Proving that anyone can win any contest run by DCInno, DCInno announces, Styckie, won the DC Inno March Tech Madness DC award. Not to take anything away from Styckie. I’m sure they’re a company… maybe. Yet, I have to ask, how does a company that has no listing in Crunchbase (there is a Stickie in Crunchbase but not this Styckie) win a meaningless popularity contest? The Tech Madness DCInno Champion, Styckie is an app that helps people find vendors for events or some mundane thing like that. It has a total of 13 Google Play reviews. They haven’t raised outside money, there is no evidence of revenue. Yet they are the champions (Que we are the champions). Stykie is the winner of a DCInno contest!!!! Super! If they didn’t have any investors prior to winning that customer I’m sure they won’t have any trouble getting investors for their app that not’s getting any traction as measured by users and revenue. Glitter Traction must count for something. After all, these guys beat poser companies like EverFi and Social Tables. March Tech Madness is a contest to see which company can write scripts to marshal the most bots to vote for the win. It is proof that page views and making money on meaningless waste of time events is the new journalistic business model in tech.
    • Hard Hitting Journalism – The hard-hitting “journalists” at Technically DC and DCInno unearthed a plagiarism scandal with local “VC” 3Si and Jason Feimster…. hahaha, I’m kidding these local tech rags are to busy plagiarizing press releases to actually go out and find a story. However, someone found that a clown that calls himself a VC was also a plagiarist (see post).
    • Flying With the Unwashed – Jen Mellon and Danny Boice were seen flying commercial instead of their usual NetJets… however, they weren’t flying coach. The first crack in the wall?
    • Crack Reporters – Media Jaugernaught, Technically DC covered an actual story in March, when they reported that they threw a job fair,  NET/WORK DC 2018, attended by nearly thousands folks if as they reported, “more than 100 people,” is equivalent to nearly thousands. Do you know what that this means? That some smart companies were foolish enough with their capital to pay Technically DC to attract as many people as they could have attracted on their own with a tweet.
  • April – It’s a big Birthday Month!
    • Happy Birthday – The big news in April, The 4-year-old birthday for DCTech’s top overpriced battery operated liquid Pez-dispenser, LifeFuels! Although Jonathon’s Perrelli’s company hasn’t yet released a product, which kind of means the company is more of an unborn fetus than a baby. If LifeFuels is a fetus and the company was founded 4 years ago, I guess that means it’s 4 years since the investors got fu…. well you know, that thing you do to make a baby. Surely when we check back in today, the company would have given birth. Let me check… nope… still just a waiting list. What can you say about a company that was conceived on April fools day?
    • Tech Savy Congress – Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg rides to Capitol Hill on the Metro, administered by WMATA, the second most dysfunctional organization in the world, to meet with Congress, the most dysfunctional organization in the world. Watch Senator Orrin Hatch demonstrate that he should be overseeing a government panel on Tech Policy.
    • Oops TrustifyTrustify was banned from doing business in their home state of Virginia
  • May – The long-awaited book released by The Passionate Reinventer of Life of Citizens
    • Big Daddy Backfire – Danny Boice filed for full custody of his kids from his first marriage. His ex-wife Joanne countersued. Danny found out that in this law suit his business financials were discoverable. Whoops, he dropped the case. Whoops, Joanne didn’t drop her case. Danny financials were still discoverable and because he didn’t comply with the court order he was found in contempt of court and sanctioned… the court barred him from presenting evidence to defend himself in Joanne’s suit. Two hours before appearing in court, the man who sued his ex-wife for custody of his children signed an out-of-court agreement to give full-custody to his ex-wife without fighting in order to not have to reveal Trustify’s cooked books. What would the world have seen in those financials?
    • You Go JP, Carry that Baby to Full Term – LifeFuels didn’t release a product… company is still pregnant.
    • Do As I Say, Not As I Do – Evan Burfield, a man who has started and failed with 3 companies took time out from his 4th soon-to-be failure, Union to write a book. Mr. Burfield reveals the secrets of how not to get laughed out of a room after never succeeding at anything. In his book, Regulatory Hackers, written by a man whose stated mission is to, passionately reinvent the lives of citizens by empowering kickass startups kills 319 pages worth of trees which would have been better served as kindling in a forest fire. No wonder the New York Times reviewers said this book was, “chock-full of checklists, matrices, diagrams, and jargon all of uneven usefulness.”
    • FBI Most Wanted – There actually is a crime family in DC and it is inhabited with crooks like, Ram Reddy, Tim Lee, Danny Boice and Andy Powers
  • June – When nothing happens count on DCInno to be there and cover it
    • The Big One -For the first time ever, DCinno, The Big One, featured something that was actually not, not a big one… although it just wasn’t big enough for me to remember what it was.
    • Just As Good As Any Other Hot DC Startup – An impressive group of Internet Billionaires announced the founding of Deconomax, the world’s first Blockchain AI Optical Metronome guaranteed to light the future of reliable high-speed blockchain security. This new DC Startup will help the DCTech community realize the dream of eclipsing Silicon Valley (see post)
    • Mellon Head – Jen Mellon stood in front of a bunch of clueless blue bloods at the Blue Duck tavern where she attempted to pretend she’s a Mellon… like in Carnegie Mellon instead of Water Mellon. By the way, I’m a Hellman as in The Douche Hellman and not the Mayonaise Hellmann’s.
  • July – When a story can’t slither over the DCInno bar… Technically DC is there to promote it
    • News Scoop – Technically DC reported the absolutely true story Communiclique, (DBA Clique) found to be a complete scam company, that raised money from investors, falsified valuation and revenue data and then transferred wealth from investors to Andy Powers, Ram Reddy, Tim Lee and two clowns named Tim Gentry and Tim Lee (see article). Correction, Technically DC reported that some kid out of Montgomery Country Community College started an app that matches kids on bikes to deliver popsicles. It was Mr. Cranky who reported on the Communiclique scam.
    • Holy Crap Batman – People in DC woke up to find out that not only had their Lifefuels bottles not arrived but that DC was still not Silicon Valley… on the news… most of us went back to bed.
  • August
    • Baffling Bullshit – Paul Singh, noted person who calls himself a noted person, and actually on one profile says, “I’m actually a big thing,” wrote a fabulous advice blog that should have been titled, Fake it and don’t even sweat the Making it ThingInspired by the post, 3Si VC – Jason Feimster, Business Guru – Jonathon Perrelli, Scion of Industry and Chalant Health CEO – Matthew Pugsley, Regulatory Hacker – Evan Burfield, Trustify CEO – Danny Boice, all read the post and said… hell yes! Let’s do that.
    • Isn’t That Precious – Technically DC breathlessly reported Fosterly is calling it quits after 7 years in business, the seven people who read Technically DC all said in unison, “Who? What?”
    • The Pulitzer – DCInno wrote what should have been a Pulitzer award winning reprint of a press release which went completely unnoticed during award’s season. Steven Spielberg announces he wouldn’t turn that press release into a movie.
  • October -More Tricks Than Treats
    • Flags At Half Mast Times 2 – Technically DC reported with much sadness that Fosterly was going to close… the seven people who read Technically DC were surveyed on their thoughts on the news. The results: 4 replied – Who, 2 replied What, 1 Replied – I like turtles.
    • Water Shortage – 85 people who have been on the LifeFuels waitlist were hospitalized for severe dehydration
    • If You Don’t Tell People How Great You Are Who Will – Andy Powers – International Business Guru had not 1, but two websites dedicated to his greatness!
  • November – Look at all the things the local startup scene have to celebrate on Thanksgiving.
    • Yet Another Trivial Celebration By Yet Another Event Company – Of all the 100’s of “significant” awards celebrations by DCA Live, in November, DCA Live, the most consequential company that throws a party for the most meaningless events announced they would hold a party for the 40 top Entrepreneurs whose mothers wish they went to Med School. It was a fabulous event!  Never heard of DCA Live? (see post).
    • Summer Rental –  Showing additional financial strain since converting from Private Jet Travel to Commercial Air, the crooks at Trustify, Danny Boice and his Estranged Wife, Joanne Mellon put their summer house up for rent. Mr. Cranky fired up a GoFundMe campaign to raise money to rent the house to be used as a studio to film a documentary series that would report on how to spot fraud during due diligence. The series goal was to educate VC’s and Angels in order to help them spot Dumpster Fires…  Once the Boice/Mellons (which sounds like a tasty fruit) saw Mr. Cranky’s plan, they sadly took the house off the rental market to keep me away (see post).
    • Finally, Something Good Happened – Some good news! Social Tables was really, like in there was money involved, like not the kind of acquisition where a burning pile of trash was unloaded (i.e. Speek, 1776, The yet to be announced but likely last chapter of LifeFuels) for a reported $100 million cash deal to local tech powerhouse Cvent.
    • The DC Region Loses! We win 1/2 of HQ2
  • December – Santa’s Going to be handing out some coal this year.
    • Raised From The Dead – Multiple reports that Jason Feimster the Clown Prince of Venture Capitalists and the Managing Partner and Chief Science Officer and Most Valuable Employee at 3si Holdings and Julias Foxtrot Ventures, and the recipient of the National Venture Capital Association, Stop It You’re Giving Us A Bad Name Award, is back. Multiple reports that this slimeball is trolling Facebook for people who might be dumber than he. Jason is pictured here! If you see this man, please report him to the authorities. Be aware, he should be considered dangerous… if you listen to him, you might die laughing. Thank you Jason, as Trustify winds down I need a new patsy!
    • Trustify Wind-Down – Retroactive Cofoufunder and Wife of the actual Founder Danny Boice, quits the company, the four remaining employees actually recieved a paycheck in December (no word yet if it bounced), the companies phones were disconnected. For those of you who are keeping score at home, here’s who is left from the team slide when this crappy criminal enterprise was out raising money. What is it about a goon like Matt Deleon that he is the only one who couldn’t find a real job?
    • Water Water Everywhere But Not A Drop To Drink – FedEx Just delivered my LifeFuels Bottle….. oh no, turns out that was just a bottle of Malox.
    • We Did It – Washington DC finally became Silicon Valley!

Happy 2019 to one and all!