The Top Ten Reasons LifeFuels Doesn’t Have a Product
Jonathon Perrelli started LifeFuels on April Fools Day, 2014. And Perrelli and his “company” experienced nothing but success… unless you judge success by having a product, generating revenue, actually being a good company. LifeFuels has been collecting names on a waiting list for a product for over 5 years!
For those of you don’t know, LifeFuels is a connected Water Bottle that can hold multiple nutrient-enriched flavor pods (KoolAid Powder). It’s like an over-engineered Kool-Aid pitcher. What do we know about the product… I mean besides the fact there isn’t one? According to the web site, we know that:
- It dispenses and does not stir the Kool-Aid – this is important for people who want their Kool-Aid dispensed and not stirred. Don’t know if it can prepare it shaken and not stirred ala James Bond martinis.
- It is BPA free – Big friggin deal… right now it’s vapor wear… it doesn’t exist and every nothing as in a thing that doesn’t exist is always BPA free
- Hydration Tracking Technology – You know that 12-ounce notice on the 12 ounce Poland Springs bottle? That’s Hydration Tracking Technology… drink it and you hydrated 12 ounces of water.
- 7 Day Battery Life – Huh? WTF? I ordered my bottle on May 1st, 2019 and it still hasn’t required me to charge the battery.
- It is rugged and life proof – I ordered my bottle 5 years ago and with all that abuse, it is in the same pristine shape as the day I didn’t receive it.
- It features actions and insights – Like hey, stop waiting for this damn thing or you’ll die of dehydration.
- It’s won multiple CES Product Innovation Awards… pretty good considering there still is no product.
So why hasn’t Jonathon Perrelli (JP) been able to deliver a product after five years? Our crack team of crack smoking reporter… interviewed ourself and came up with the top 10 reasons:
- Because the company doesn’t have a CEO
- Because its office is so cool and full of toys, who has time for work (as covered by the crack team at DCInno)
- It’s not really a company, it’s a scheme to trick JP into believing he has a job and keep him off the streets.
- JP is a Russian Spy and LifeFuels is a GRU front organization
- Because when you have a guy who calls himself a gentleman hacker… how can you get any work done? Hey Nolan, WTF is a Gentleman Hacker?
- Because they only have 30 employees… how can you build a bottle if you only have 30 employees, $5 million and 5 years?
- Because Rome wasn’t built in a day
- Because they’re having trouble getting 2 Os with an H
- Because the team follow Perrelli’s example
- Because they don’t want to find out that it’s a stupid idea.
Note, according to my count LifeFuels lost one employee in 2019 and hired 8 for a net add of 7. It looks like they’re up to about 30 employees. Based on the latest hiring activity, I’m going to guess we may see a product soon.
Another thing I’ll give to JP, and that is that on Glassdoor, there are 8 reviews of the company… they are all 5-star reviews. I’ve worked with people who use to say, this would be a perfect job if we didn’t have customers… this is the company for them.
|Kevin Righi||BD Manager||Mar-15||Jul-15|
|Xiaonan Wang||Software Developer||Apr-15||Oct-15|
|Alex Kriss||Marketing Associate||Aug-15||Jan-16|
|Thomas Alford||Marketing Director LifeFuels||May-15||Jun-16|
|David Evans||Senior iOS Engineer||Aug-15||Jun-16|
|Phoebe McPherson||Social & Content Strategist||Aug-15||Jul-16|
|Rick Rickert||Dir of Marketing||Oct-14||Oct-16|
|Brandi Suttles||VP Strategic Ops & Partnerships||Mar-15||Oct-16|
|David Orr||Software Developer||Mar-15||Oct-16|
|Maxim Wheatley||Co-Founder/ Chief Product Officer||Apr-14||Jan-17|
|Zack Siegel||Mechanical Engineer II||Apr-17||Jan-19|
|Connor Bacon||Sr Product Engineer||Jan-15||Gone|
|Benjamin Gillette||Director of Operations||Mar-15|
|Ryan Dunn||Director of Partnerships||Mar-15||Gone|
|John Morales||Chief Architect||May-15|
|Justin Toelle||Applied Sciences Lead||May-15|
|Mark Lyons||Sr Director of Engineering||Jun-15|
|Abraham MaClean||Electrical Design Engineer||Aug-15|
|Nicholos LoGioco||iOS Developer||Sep-15|
|Elizabeth Hubler||Product Manager||Jul-17|
|John Ring||Sr Mechanical Engineer||Jul-17|
|Ricky Fitzpatrick||Brand Director||Apr-18|
|Aleksander Drozdetski||Backend Developer||Jun-18|
|Rebecca Urciuolo, C.F.S||Food Scientist||Jun-18|
|Jeffrey Whalley||Senior Product Manager||Jul-18|
|Amanda DiCuffa-McGregor||Fuel Pod Product Manager||Oct-18|
|Donna Moore||Supply Chain||Oct-18|
|Macon Swartzwwelder||Marketing Coordinator||Nov-18|
|Kevin M.||Strategy, Growth & Talent||Jan-19|
|Bruce Hayles||Product Manager||Jan-19|
|Nolan McCann||Gentleman Hacker||Feb-19|
|Giacomo Fornasini||Jr Mechanical Engineer||Mar-19|
|Capricia Alston||Content Strategist||Apr-19|
|Chris Forward||Manager of Special Projects||Apr-19|
|Glen Blackwell Jr.||Product Manager||Apr-19|
|Bill Assaad||Finance – On Website not on LinkedIn||?||?|
Based on Perrelli’s latest hiring… I have a feeling we’ll see a product in the next few months. Unfortunately, I also believe that product is being produced in China which may little to a little Tariff problem.