The Top Ten Reasons LifeFuels Doesn’t Have a Product

Jonathon Perrelli started LifeFuels on April Fools Day, 2014. And Perrelli and his “company” experienced nothing but success… unless you judge success by having a product, generating revenue, actually being a good company. LifeFuels has been collecting names on a waiting list for a product for over 5 years!

For those of you don’t know, LifeFuels is a connected Water Bottle that can hold multiple nutrient-enriched flavor pods (KoolAid Powder). It’s like an over-engineered Kool-Aid pitcher. What do we know about the product… I mean besides the fact there isn’t one? According to the web site, we know that:

  1. It dispenses and does not stir the Kool-Aid – this is important for people who want their Kool-Aid dispensed and not stirred. Don’t know if it can prepare it shaken and not stirred ala James Bond martinis.
  2. It is BPA free – Big friggin deal… right now it’s vapor wear… it doesn’t exist and every nothing as in a thing that doesn’t exist is always BPA free
  3. Hydration Tracking Technology – You know that 12-ounce notice on the 12 ounce Poland Springs bottle?  That’s Hydration Tracking Technology… drink it and you hydrated 12 ounces of water.
  4. 7 Day Battery Life – Huh? WTF? I ordered my bottle on May 1st, 2019 and it still hasn’t required me to charge the battery.
  5. It is rugged and life proof – I ordered my bottle 5 years ago and with all that abuse, it is in the same pristine shape as the day I didn’t receive it.
  6. It features actions and insights – Like hey, stop waiting for this damn thing or you’ll die of dehydration.
  7. It’s won multiple CES Product Innovation Awards… pretty good considering there still is no product.

So why hasn’t Jonathon Perrelli (JP) been able to deliver a product after five years? Our crack team of crack smoking reporter… interviewed ourself and came up with the top 10 reasons:

  1. Because the company doesn’t have a CEO
  2. Because its office is so cool and full of toys, who has time for work (as covered by the crack team at DCInno)
  3. It’s not really a company, it’s a scheme to trick JP into believing he has a job and keep him off the streets.
  4. JP is a Russian Spy and LifeFuels is a GRU front organization
  5. Because when you have a guy who calls himself a gentleman hacker… how can you get any work done? Hey Nolan, WTF is a Gentleman Hacker?
  6. Because they only have 30 employees… how can you build a bottle if you only have 30 employees, $5 million and 5 years?
  7. Because Rome wasn’t built in a day
  8. Because they’re having trouble getting 2 Os with an H
  9. Because the team follow Perrelli’s example
  10. Because they don’t want to find out that it’s a stupid idea.

Note, according to my count LifeFuels lost one employee in 2019 and hired 8 for a net add of 7. It looks like they’re up to about 30 employees. Based on the latest hiring activity, I’m going to guess we may see a product soon.

Another thing I’ll give to JP, and that is that on Glassdoor, there are 8 reviews of the company… they are all 5-star reviews. I’ve worked with people who use to say, this would be a perfect job if we didn’t have customers… this is the company for them.

LifeFuels Staffing

Name Position Joined Left
Kevin Righi BD Manager Mar-15 Jul-15
Xiaonan Wang Software Developer Apr-15 Oct-15
Alex Kriss Marketing Associate Aug-15 Jan-16
Thomas Alford Marketing Director LifeFuels May-15 Jun-16
David Evans Senior iOS Engineer Aug-15 Jun-16
Phoebe McPherson Social & Content Strategist Aug-15 Jul-16
Duval Corral Programmer Jun-15 Aug-16
Rick Rickert Dir of Marketing Oct-14 Oct-16
Ethan Gill COO Jan-15 Oct-16
Brandi Suttles VP Strategic Ops & Partnerships Mar-15 Oct-16
David Orr Software Developer Mar-15 Oct-16
Maxim Wheatley Co-Founder/ Chief Product Officer Apr-14 Jan-17
Zack Siegel Mechanical Engineer II Apr-17 Jan-19
Rob Lawson-Shanks CTO/Co-Founder Apr-14 Gone
Connor Bacon Sr Product Engineer Jan-15 Gone
Benjamin Gillette Director of Operations Mar-15
Ryan Dunn Director of Partnerships Mar-15 Gone
John Morales Chief Architect May-15
Justin Toelle Applied Sciences Lead May-15
Mark Lyons Sr Director of Engineering Jun-15
Abraham MaClean Electrical Design Engineer Aug-15
Nicholos LoGioco iOS Developer Sep-15
Elizabeth Hubler Product Manager Jul-17
John Ring Sr Mechanical Engineer Jul-17
Ricky Fitzpatrick Brand Director Apr-18
Aleksander Drozdetski Backend Developer Jun-18
Rebecca Urciuolo, C.F.S Food Scientist Jun-18
Jeffrey Whalley Senior Product Manager Jul-18
Amanda DiCuffa-McGregor Fuel Pod Product Manager Oct-18
Donna Moore Supply Chain Oct-18
Betty Tickle Marketing Nov-18
Macon Swartzwwelder Marketing Coordinator Nov-18
Kevin M. Strategy, Growth & Talent Jan-19
Bruce Hayles Product Manager Jan-19
Nolan McCann Gentleman Hacker Feb-19
Anatoly Tulukin Q&A Mar-19
Giacomo Fornasini Jr Mechanical Engineer Mar-19
Patrick Lyon Ui/Ux Mar-19
Andres Arana Programmer Apr-19
Capricia Alston Content Strategist Apr-19
Chris Forward Manager of Special Projects Apr-19
Glen Blackwell Jr. Product Manager Apr-19
Bill Assaad Finance – On Website not on LinkedIn ? ?

Based on Perrelli’s latest hiring… I have a feeling we’ll see a product in the next few months. Unfortunately, I also believe that product is being produced in China which may little to a little Tariff problem.