Bad Spam, Bad Marketing

Talk about bad marketing! Usually, Mr Cranky just ignores his spam mail. Occasionally, I lie to draw a lesson from them so I've decided to improve the following spam mail and send it to the spammer so that old Mak Saini...

DCs Mr Cranky

Why Do They Call Me DC’s Mr Cranky?

DC's Mr Cranky? Tonight, for the umpteenth time I was introduced as DC's Mr Cranky. Tonight, folks continuously asked, "Why Mr Cranky?" I obviously wasn't amongst my base. They didn't know me. So I thought today, I'd explain to the world...

Peter Paul and Mary - Mr Cranky Startups

Mr Cranky Startups – Where Have All The Founders Gone?

Mr Cranky Startups. It's a love hate relationship that reminds me of a song: Where have all the founders gone, Long time passing, Where have all the founders gone, Long time ago, When will they ever learn? At least I think that's how the Peter, Paul and Mary song went. Mr Cranky Startups Rant Lately, I've been wondering about the weakness in DC Tech startups. It seems to me that the rate of startup founders dipping their toes in the DCTech pond has slowed considerably. Yet before I am added to the list of purveyors of Fake News which is just another name for the Local DC Tech press, like DCInno, let me admit that this is kind of a trumpish statement, since I'm short of actual data and base my observation on feelings. Startups growth rates were up rapidly around 2008 and peaked around 2012. Today there is a lack of new startups and more importantly a lack of new quality startups (see The Startup Turd to Gold Ratio). Worse still, there are very few great startups like Hurdlr (who? you say. My point exactly) are operating in secret. In fact most great companies spend more time developing product and customers instead of wasting limited resources courting the local tech...

Mr Cranky Startup Technology Resolution

Mr Cranky’s 2017 Startup Technology Resolution

Mr Cranky and Startup Technology a match made in heaven. Mr Cranky's back and I've made my 2017 Startup Technology Resolution list for the coming year. For the past 2 years I've fortunately avoided the crank inducing bullshitocracy that is the DC Tech Startup ecosystem. I've been able to avoid the Faux Silicon Valley wannabe wantrepreneur festival celebrations of  stupid ideas, poorly executed and horribly explained. Then recently, with a slight case of FOMO a work assignment thrust me headfirst back into the ooze of DCs anemic startup ecosystem. So here's my resolution for 2017. I will not get upset when I see what I saw these past few months. What did I see, you say? Here goes: Yet Another Better Yelp - You know what's wrong with Yelp? It is widely used, casts a wide net, covering too many restaurants and other service providers with hundreds of reviews. What this world needs is a Yelp for dating. You see a Yelp-like app with far fewer entries, painfully and expensively self-sourced with an awesome ambiance filter that empowers couples to choose their date venue based on micro-targeted ambiance features...

New Years Predictions

Mr Cranky’s 2017 Technology Year In Review Predictions

Anyone can tell you what happened in the New Year but only Mr Cranky can tell you what happened In the year to come! Mr Cranky’s 2017 Year in Review: January - Marissa Mayer at Yahoo announces she’s created a new logo…. Because that’s the only thing she’s ever done while running Yahoo that hasn’t devalued the stock.  So why not once again fix the only thing that isn’t broken at Yahoo. February - Apple’s Tim Cook announces the new Apple 8 which has no headphone jack, no screen, no microphone, no speaker and no keyboard and gets 3 hours life from its battery.  Mashable claims the new phone is 10 times more useful than an Apple watch and people line up around the block for weeks to get Apple 8. March - Russian hackers commit suicide after making no progress hacking the new Apple 8 phone. April – President Trump says it was a 400 pound kid lying in his bed who unsuccessfully hacked the Apple 8 and not the Russian Suicide Hackers. May - Tim Cook and Apple release the new Apple 8 Plus. A 10 inch version of the iPhone 8. It does nothing so much bigger than the regular iPhone 8 (pictured below). June...

Can of Whoopass

Mr Cranky’s 5 Marketing Predictions 2017

Mr Cranky’s 5 Marketing Predictions 2017 Want to know what marketing trends are going to take off in 2017, than read these 5 marketing predictions from Mr Cranky, the man that guaranteed a Hilary Clinton presidency! Direct Mail Firms will save time by addressing their mailers directly to recycling centers Local jurisdictions will enact laws saying that placing advertisement fliers on windshields is littering and subject to $50 fine per flier In recognition that no one picks up a phone call from someone they don’t know telesales companies will stop waiting for the phone to ring before they hang-up and don’t leave a message. Email marketers will realize that the 5th email saying, “Hey I’m not sure if you got my message but I wanted to make sure you didn’t miss this opportunity,” will start writing that message on the 3rd Somebody is going to realize that the old ways aren’t working and move from push marketing to pull marketing. These companies will gain attention by: Earning press mentions through a differentiated valuable product and/or service. Achieving high crowd sourced review scores by producing a quality product and/or service. Strong SEO-based online marketing. Valuable content marketing. AdWords Well placed digital advertising. Bonus…...

DC’s Boom To Bust Startup Cycle Update

Here we go again. We’ve crested the top of the latest DC Region Startup roller coaster hill and we’re now speeding towards a bottom.  Just four years ago, in 2012 there was a budding DC Startup Industrial Complex. This included multiple media outlets with hot shot reporters, there were record breaking events like the DC Tech Meetup purportedly the largest meetup of its kind in the world..if not the universe. New venture funds were forming. Every week there was a new pitch event for startups raising money and yet today we enter the third tech bubble since the dot com bust in 2001. The signs are everywhere, journalistic reporters specializing in startups like Bill Flook and Kasra Kangarloo left the Washington Business Journal and have not been replaced. Steven Overly  of the Washington post…gone and not replaced. Tech Cocktail left town. Tanya Anderson & Tech Bisnow publish no more.  In fact there are a few rags but no legitimate publishing voice left in the DC startup tech world. In 2001 this region boasted over 20 very active Beltway-based VCs  actively investing in companies across the region. Today we’re down to just a handful: New Enterprise Associates, Revolution, New Atlantic Ventures and Grotech....

You’re Right I Suck

The other day, I received another post comments (I get like 10 a month) reminding me what many of my poor tortured teachers in grade school and high school use to drill into me…. I’m a mentally challenged idiot who will never amount to anything. I know… I know.. they were prophets. But they didn’t have to be so mean about it. Back to my latest blog critic. This week a blog commenter brought me back to Ms Hockberg's 3rd grade class. It wasn't that he was cruel.  in fact I think he was trying to be helpful when he gave me a both a compliment and a grammar lesson that went like so: Outstanding content but you need to learn how apostrophes are used. Running a spell-check program will help. hypotheses -- no apostrophe needed. One hypothesis. Two hypotheses. . . . show me that your willing . . " Should be you're. You + are = you're." . . . other people who's judgment I trust . . ." Should be whose. Who's = who + is." . . . bet on the company based on it's risk . . . " Should be its. Its indicates possession. It's = it + is." He went on...