Startup Sh#t Heard In #DCTech Lately

I’ve been out and about DCTech the past weeks and have heard an assload of bad pitches mixed in with an occasional good pitch. Some of the pitching clowns said some the craziest things and some pretendpreneurs drive me crazy with the silliness of it all…  If I don’t unload myself of the BS, I’m going to explode. I know… 376 of you just said… please! Hold it in! Explode! Sorry… I’m sharing them:

What I Overheard in DCTech

What They Said, “If we pull this off we will be a unicorn in three years.”

What I Heard, “If I pull an elephant out of my ass in three years, I’ll be the first person to pull an elephant out of my ass.”

 What They Said, “If we can capture 35% of the US Market we would be extremely valuable.”

What I Heard, “If I could reanimate Bin Laden and then assassinate him, I’d be an American Hero!”

What They Said, “We are building a product that mashes together all the disadvantages of a credit card with all the disadvantages of a debit card.”

What I Heard, “Sounds like a collateralized mortgage, take all the risky mortgages and bundle them together and sell that as a great product.”

What Was Said, “We are going to be the grub hub of gasoline.”

What I Heard, “Just as everyone is moving to electric cars we fixed the problem with gasoline powered cars that no one knew they had.” or

What I Thought, “If this was 1918 they would pitch delivering buggy whips to people’s homes!”

What Was Said, “We have a lot of established big competitors but we’re the only ones using blockchain.”

What I Heard, “Blockchain has nothing to do with our value proposition but isn’t it cool that I just said blockchain?”

What I Thought, “Saying blockchain adds 10X to their valuation so now they are worth Zero.”

What Was Said, “We are growing rapidly, we added 20 employees in the last month and a half.”

What I Heard, “We need your money because we’ve just doubled our expenses.”

What I Thought, “Since when is growing expenses an advantage?”

What I Thought, “I want to compete against a guy who measures growth in people and not clients, revenue or profit.”

Pet Peeve: If you are just an average DCTech schmoo, if no one is ever going to try and impersonate you, if few people even realize you are a thing. if no one cares what you have to say….don’t beg Twitter to give you a verified check mark.

According to Twitter:

What types of accounts get verified?

An account may be verified if it is determined to be an account of public interest. Typically this includes accounts maintained by users in music, acting, fashion, government, politics, religion, journalism, media, sports, business, and other key interest areas.

What I Thought: “Maybe your mom thinks your special but you don’t qualify as anyone of any interest to anyone…so if you beg Twitter to give you a verified checkmark, you have proved you are special… you’re a special schmuck.”


So now that I’ve blown off some of that DCTech steam… I feel much… much better. Thanks for letting me vent DCTech!