New Dumb Startup Ideas

Same stupid. Different day. I’m talking dumb startup ideas today.  Here are 6 wantrepreneurs who want to bring their dumb startup ideas to life. Like what… you say? Like these dumb startup ideas, say I.

  1. Raw Water – Yup, you know it’s water, that is untreated like nature intended. You know like the water that runs free in streams. The water in which Bambi does his business. It’s like a paleo version of water. Cavemen didn’t drink treated water… they liked the flavor of the bacteria and other impurities that helped cro magnon man live to an average ripe old age of 20 years old. This is marketing huey purchased by fools.
  2. Raw Sewage – This is my own personal startup idea… it doesn’t exist yet but hey. you suckers who buy Raw Water are going to need Raw Sewage to stay ahead of the curve. After all, what are you going to drink when us squares start drinking raw water? I know what you’re saying it’s a crappy idea. Hahaha, get it, crappy idea. But really raw sewage was good enough for paleo era man… it’s good enough for me. Now I just need a new breed of investor. Are there any Venture Crapitalists out there?
  3. LifeFuels – A $200 bottle which is so very flexible. You can load it with Tap Water, Filtered Water, Treated Spring Water, Raw Water and add “Flavor Pods,” even Raw Sewage flavored pods that will give you added vitamins. So many reasons this is a great idea. Let me count the ways:
    1. It’s 10 times more expensive than a Camelback
    2. It tells you how much water you drank – because if you put 20 ounces of water in a camelback than drank all 20 ounces, you aren’t smart enough to know that you might have just drunk 20 ounces of water. Nope, you need a bottle that sends a, “hey stupid, you just drank 20 ounces of water” message to your phone.
    3. It requires that you purchase proprietary fuel pods from a company that will be out of business in 6 months. When LifeFuels goes under you can use your $200 bottle as a $200 paperweight. If Flinstone vitamins went out of business you could switch to one-a-day vitamins and not be stuck with a $200 sunk investment in a paperweight.
    4. The fact that the fuel pods are proprietary means you can’t shop for a better price or product like if you were just buying vitamin supplements and drinking your water out of a water bottle.
    5. It solves a problem no one has. Has anyone said to themselves lately, “Hmmm I can’t figure out how to drink water and take vitamins?” Nope there just aren’t enough options for humans to get vitamins. We need an overpriced bottle that runs on electricity from a company with no history, credibility and that wants to charge me big bucks for something I’m going to trash in 2 months.
    6. If it’s like any other battery operated device, the battery has a useful life… my camelback is still working after 10 years. The battery is still working and I never had to recharge or replace it yet. Maybe it’s solar powered?
    7. This is a great gift for you to give to someone to make them look stupid.
    8. You can pour Raw Sewage into your LifeFuels bottle and drink it and I guarantee you won’t be harmed. Nope, not in anyway. Because there is no product available for LifeFuels. You can’t buy, touch or own a LifeFuels product. You can only join the waiting list. Get behind the other fools who have been waiting 3 years for an overpriced, overhyped bottle of water to be produced. You’re never going to drink anything from that bottle… not raw sewage, not water, not anything.
    9. But the main reason is after spending $5 million of investor cash this Jonathon Perrelli-Hobby-Horse Company still doesn’t have a product and they’re about out of money and trying to find a new group of suckers… I mean investors.  Guys, the Pentagon was built in under 1 year. The empire state building was built in under a year. Rome wasn’t built in a day but it sure as shit didn’t take 3 years for it to be a thing. Do you know what you can do with $5 Million and 3 years and 30 employees? I’ll tell you:
      • You can help a pretendpreneur pretend he’s a startup CEO
      • You enable a “grown” man to wear t-shirts to work every day for 3 years
      • You can pay the salaries of a bunch of kids
      • You can surround yourself with a bunch of kids who worship you and pretend you’re relevant
      • You can win two pay-to-play, meaningless, vanity CES awards
      • You can win a DCInno Office Envy award
  4. The Third Love Bra – Now I know you just think I’m angry because they only make overpriced brassieres for women and don’t make mansieres for bros like me. But no, I hate them because I can’t listen to the radio without hearing their advertisements and these ads are annoyingly silly. I’ve woman tested the ridiculous claims on the add (also I realize as I write this that I have no idea if they’re overpriced or not. I know my readers are going to find this difficult to believe but I’ve never purchased a bra).
    • They say, “The first thing a woman takes off is their bra.” Now I’m no rocket scientist but my logic says that 95% of all women take their shirts off before they take off their bras… but that’s just me.
    • I testest “The first thing a woman takes of is their bra” thing in an informal poll with women on the street. The results:
      • Five slapped me and walked away
      • One said, who the hell wears a bra
      • One said, she’d take off anything I want plus take me around the world for $300
      • Three said the first thing they take off is their shoes
    • They say “Shoes have 1/2 sizes why don’t bras?” I’ll tell you why!
      1. Shoes are for feet and feet are made up of  22 rigid bones and 33 joints. You won’t find one of those soft girly mammary glands in a foot! Feet, unlike breasts, are not malleable.
      2. The inhabitants of bras, you know boobs, but not the kind of boobs that make up the US House of Representatives but another type of boob… There are 545 boobs that make up the legislative branch called house representatives. But I’m talking about the kind of boobs that usually come in pairs and that can be found on the 84 female members of Congress which presumably would be somewhere in excess of 150 boobs but don’t quote me on that, my math may be off, because I went to the University of Maryland and not MIT.
      3. Shoes are not adjustable
      4. Bras are adjustable
      5. Most women don’t walk on their boobs. From my limited research, my theorem (which is a much snottier way than saying theory) is that the majority of people walk on their feet placing the entire weight of their bodies on those 22 bones and 33 joints that make up the foot. Shoes need to fit well. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate boobs and I don’t begrudge a boob from being comfortable and it just may be that the damn Third Love Bra is the best invention since boobs, but I think we can all agree the bra is not the first thing that women take off when they get home and there can be no dispute that boobs are not feet.
  5. Griffin Technologies Smart Toaster – An IoT, phone connected Toaster! Yes because you need to check your toast on your phone during the 3-minute toasting process. After all… how would you know it’s not bread anymore… it’s toast. Wait a minute, I have another idea. LifeFuels should get a smart toaster… maybe that would tell them that they aren’t a company… they are toast!
  6. The ForwardX CX-1 suitcase – Luggage that drives itself and follows it’s owner through an airport.  Maybe you won’t have to pay extra baggage fees. Set it on the runway, get on the plane and it will follow you anywhere.

So that’s the list. What do you think? Maybe I should add these Dumb Startup Ideas to my Brake Decelerator. Brake specializes in dumb startup ideas. It’s like the 1776 venture fund of accelerators.