Mr Cranky Startup Technology Resolution

Mr. Cranky’s DCTech Resolutions 2018

Are you ready for Mr. Cranky’s DCTech Resolutions, 2018 edition? Last year, Mr. Cranky’s DCTech Resolutions I made my typical Glass Half Empty, preponderance of prescient predigious predictions(see it here).  This year I’m going to try and be a little less Mr. Cranky DCTech Resolutions and a little more Mr. Glass Half Full, even though I paid for full glass at inflated Buojee bar prices (Okay Old Fart (OF), just for you… Boujee is hipster slang for high-class derived from pardon-my-french, term… bourgeois, which translates to middle-class, has been somehow transformed by the millennial generation to mean, highfalutin snobby! Are you keeping up with me OF? If you need a definition of millennial, also known as snake-people, you can find that here.).

Okay…. everyone with me? Without further delay, I bring you  Mr. Cranky’s DCTech Resolutions, 2018 edition.

    1. Pretentious Mission Statement Moccary – Next year one important Mr. Cranky’s DCTech Resolutions will be to refrain from ridiculing pretentiousness. For instance instead of encountering a Mission Statement like this silly thing from The Global Good Fund,

      “The vision of The Global Good Fund is to create a new generation of transformational change agents to achieve unprecedented levels of societal progress. The Global Good Fund leverages this vision by accelerating the development of high potential young leaders through financial investment and by harnessing executive insights via a customized leadership development program.”

      And mocking the writer for using meaningless jargonistic terms like, transformational change agents,” or making empty, self-proclaimed claims of greatness like, “unprecedented levels of societal progress.

      No, instead, I resolve to be more helpful. Perhaps with honest questions… like what makes you say your levels of societal progress are unprecedented? Maybe there’s a reason they’re unprecedented. Maybe by precedenting them you’re opening pandora’s box. Maybe you should provide some proof that your levels of societal progress are more unprecedented than mine? Have you checked my levels of societal change? Because if you haven’t, you don’t really know if your levels are precedented or unprecedented, do you? I have heretofore (which I thank you for giving me the opportunity to use heretofore, which heretofore has never appeared in any of my published works if published works are what you’d refer to this crap I write here as published works), never been challenged on the unprecedentiveness of my levels of societal change.

      No, that kind of mockery won’t be the new Mr. Cranky, because next year I resolve to just be helpful and say. Hey, foolish, self-important, supercilious person.., maybe you should try something a little more tangible and aspirational than that crap on your LinkedIn profile. Try this free gift from Mr. Cranky:

      “Big changes can take place through small steps. By developing the untapped talent of extraordinary individuals in communities of need and empowering them to inspire others to create positive waves of change. Global Good Fund aims to make the world a better place by accelerating the development of extraordinary people in 3rd world, underprivileged communities and arming them with the skills and resources to change the world… one community leader at a time.”

      Much less Cranky… no?

    2. Apologize To Those I Harmed – I resolve that I will visit Danny Boice and Jen Mellon in prison next holiday season and I won’t gloat when Trustify collapses under the weight of embezzled cash, fraudulent claims, and just piles of turds that have accumulated in that dumpster fire over the years. I apologize to Evan Burfield for saying he was lying when he said 1776 was not up for sale when it was up for sale just days before it was sold and then pretending that the sale was a merger. I should have taken the high road and been more like Evan and not told the truth. I think this whole apologizing thing is getting off track… let me move on to other resolutions.
    3. Support 1776 as a good office choice for the DCTech Startup Community – Because it’s not the “Nexus of the DC Startup Community,” now that the guy who was passionately lining his pockets while reinventing our lives as citizens by empowering kickass startups has moved on to being the Queen of England version of 1776 and real business people have taken the helm. Today, until proven different, I’m a 1776 fan.
    4. Be funnier and a tiny bit less brutal – Ellen DeGeneres is one of the few people who can be funny without being mean… I resolve to be more like Ellen DeGeneres this coming year… I’m not going to start by being less brutal…. baby steps but like Ellen Degeneres, I resolve to have a female spouse!  I’ve already reached that goal… so this year I’ll commit to keeping my wonderful spouse happy and with me and work on the brutal thing next year… baby steps.
    5. To be the voice that speaks the ugly truth in this wonderful town – This coming year, I will continue to speak out, call out, act out when I see people worshiping the wrong craven idols, celebrating mediocrity as celebrity, faking it until they pretend they ‘ve made it, lie and cheat and steal. I’m going to remain living the life of bad cop. I’m going to be true to Cranky