Mr Cranky Startup Technology Resolution

Mr Cranky’s 2017 Startup Technology Resolution

Mr Cranky and Startup Technology a match made in heaven. Mr Cranky’s back and I’ve made my 2017 Startup Technology Resolution list for the coming year. For the past 2 years I’ve fortunately avoided the crank inducing bullshitocracy that is the DC Tech Startup ecosystem.

I’ve been able to avoid the Faux Silicon Valley wannabe wantrepreneur festival celebrations of  stupid ideas, poorly executed and horribly explained.

Then recently, with a slight case of FOMO a work assignment thrust me headfirst back into the ooze of DCs anemic startup ecosystem. So here’s my resolution for 2017. I will not get upset when I see what I saw these past few months.

What did I see, you say? Here goes:

  1. Yet Another Better Yelp – You know what’s wrong with Yelp? It is widely used, casts a wide net, covering too many restaurants and other service providers with hundreds of reviews. What this world needs is a Yelp for dating. You see a Yelp-like app with far fewer entries, painfully and expensively self-sourced with an awesome ambiance filter that empowers couples to choose their date venue based on micro-targeted ambiance features… like: Hipster crowd, not too light and not too dark playing electronica music at 26 decibels and serveing drinks with extra-large ice cubes. Because that’s going to be a Yelp Killer!
  2. Yet Another Wedding Wire – because a person gets married almost as many times as they take an Uber and therefore need an app for weddings. These pre-nuptial celebrants don’t have any way to find service providers (if you don’t count the internet. wedding wire and the umpteen other people who have not gone out of business yet with this dumb idea). People need an app to help find a florist and or a DJ because there is no other way to find a good DJ for a wedding…..oh wait...let me google that for you.
  3. Yet Another Untrustworthy Harvard Graduate – How about hiring a private detective to tell you that the founder of the company from whom you hired your private detective is less trustworthy than the person you want investigated? Like maybe he didn’t ever get accepted to the Harvard that he says he attended. Or maybe you should investigate their glass door reviews?
  4. Faux Startup-Fest – The startup prep education series curated and executed by folks who have never been involved at any meaningful level with any meaningful startup. The folks who take pride in being the tallest blind midget leading a host of blind midgets? The folks who tell people with bad ideas, no experience, and no clue that they are special. The folks who think every player on every losing team deserves a participation trophy. The folks who encourage mediocre failures. Look let’s have some spectacular failures for a change.
  5. Startup “Journalism” = Celebrating ideas as companies, liars as visionaries and blatant failures as extraordinary exits. Puffery disguised as punditry. Mundacity disguised as analytic prose. Bit vomit that if produced in print would not be suitable for butt wiping.

Pfffffff, so happy to get that off my chest. I’ve been holding that back for so long I feel lighter and ready to take on 2017 in a much more positive light.

Cheers and a good new years to you all!