Mr Cranky the Evolution of English

When you’re a Cranky Old Fart speaking with millennials, you start to notice these new-fangled words or old-fangled words used in a new-fangled way. More accurately in a mangled way.

As a public service and in order to promote more harmony between the english-speaking human race and millinneals, I’ve decided to document some of those words:

  • Alternative Facts – As in, “That wasn’t a lie. It was an Alternative Facts.” Alternate facts refer to facts that exist in an alternative universe. A fact-free universe.
  •  Conwaying – As in, “Stop conwaying me.” Which in effect means answering every question by blaming someone else for some unrelated issue. Example: “Hi Kellyanne, did you know it is raining?” Kellyanne, “Why are you asking me that when Hillary Clinton has an email server?”
  • DM – as in “DM me.” Which translates to send me a Direct Message (in Facebook or Twitter). Millennials seem to prefer DM to email.  If someone said to Kellyanne Conway, “Please DM me.” She’d reply, “Why are you asking me to DM you while you are totally ignoring Hillary’s email server?”
  • Lit – as in “That is so lit.” Don’t confuse new lit with our old-farty lit which means intoxicated or drunk. Kid-speak lit means exciting like, “That Beyonce performance was so lit.”
  • Side Eye – Side eye, is the energy efficient version of rolling one’s eyes. These kids don’t expend that much energy. It takes much less effort to just move one’s eyes to the side than to make full circular revolutions.
  • Transparent – A parent who is a  transsexual, which is a person in which the sex-related structures of the brain that define gender identity are exactly opposite the physical sex organs of the body.
  • Troll or Trolling – As in, “Mr. Cranky is a Troll. Get him to stop trolling me.” Sarcastically going after someone on the internet is trolling. A person who is trolling is a troll. For instance, someone who creates a word like Conwaying is trolling Kellyanne Conway and probably trying to get you to forget that Hillary Clinton has an email server.
  • Throw Shade – As in “Don’t throw shade at me.” Publicly criticizing someone like when someone asks Kellyanne Conway, “Did you just make up a thing and call it the Bowling Green Massacre?” and she responds by throwing shade on Hillary Clinton saying, “Why are you even asking me that when Hillary Clinton had an email server?”
  • Woke – As in, “I’m woke to Kellyanne Conway and her tactics of abstraction.”  It means you’re recently became aware of important social issues and don’t give a crap about Hillary’s email server.
  • SJW – A Social Justice Warrior is according to Urban Dictionary, a pejorative (I’d like to be woke on the definition of the word pejorative) term referring to an individual that is constantly fighting the war against social injustice in everything they see on the internet.
  • Literally – Literally, literally no long literally means literally. Sometimes it can mean figuratively with emphasis as in, “When I get conwayed, my head Literally explodes.” Which is not to say the head literally explodes and instead is used to place emphasis on the fact that being conwayed metaphorically makes one’s head explode or in a more literal sense makes a person literally angry in which case literally literally means literally.
  • SteveHarveyed – That’s like announcing that Miss Columbia won the Miss Universe Contest and having to recant and admit the winner was Miss Philippines, or Hillary Clinton winning the popular vote but Donald Trump winning the election or La La Land being announced as the winner of the academy awards when the real winner turned out to be Moonlight. Sometimes being SteveHarveyed can be a good case like in the case of the Memoriam segment they showed a picture of a woman who was happy to find out she hadn’t won the award… she’s still alive.

Want to speak some words… old and new with Glen Hellman in a complimentary 1-on-1 coaching session? Let’s do an online coaching session and I’ll help you set your goals for the next 12 months. Just press that button thingie and schedule now. And Kellyanne, I know you’re out there and your career is in trouble, you can have 2 free sessions.