New Years Predictions

Mr Cranky Predicts his 2013 Startup Year-In-Review

Anyone can tell you what happened last year. Lots of folks can tell you what they think will happen in the coming year. But right here on this post that you are reading is the only place where you can read next year’s year in review. Here’s what you’ll be reading December 2013.

  1. Nada – In January 2013 nothing happens because everyone was so hung over from New Year’s Eve, the BCS National Championship parties and Super Bowl fever.
  2. Google+ – While Facebook won’t produce a Facebook App for Windows 8, In February 2013 Google added a Google+ app for the Microsoft Windows 8 phone so the 12 Windows phone users could communicate more easily with the 14 Google+ users.  If you’re keeping score…. that’s 12 Microsoft Employees interacting with 14 Google employees.
  3. SXSW – In March 2013 everyone went to Austin, Texas, for South By Southwest (SXSW) and nothing got done.
  4. Yahoo – In April 2013 Yahoo announced a major new alliance with the National Hockey League (NHL) that matches the popularity and fun and dominance of Yahoo’s fantasy sports with the continued NHL lockout. The NHL quickly announces greatly reduced ticket prices for the 2013/2014 season which will be played in a virtual reality fantasy league form only.
  5. PitchJam – In May 2013 new Washington, D.C., Startup PitchJam announces a pivot from traditional startup hiring strategy that dictates hiring Hackers, Hustlers, and Designers to what is sure to be the strategy of the future. They plan on hiring Hustlers, Hustlers and Hustlers and only releasing presentations of what their product would do if they got funded. PitchJam announces the first product release will only run on PowerPoint with plans to port to other presentation platforms like Prezi, Keynote, Google Docs, and Adobe.
  6. MomShare – In June 2013, capitalizing on the new sharing economy and hot on the successful heels of companies like Uber, Airbnb, eLance — MomShare announces a new iPhone app that will utilize hyper-local GPS algorithms to geographically match startups execs who are whining about the difficulty of getting funded or traction with sympathetic moms who will rush to their side to say, “There, there deary, the world just doesn’t understand how brilliant you are.” Then she will wipe your nose, ask why you aren’t a doctor like your cousin and inquire when you’re going to give her a grandchild.
  7. Hewlett Packard (HP) – In July 2013 HP purchased Blackberry manufacturer Research In Motion (RIM) and Xerox thereby maintaining their boat anchor monopoly as they add these two failing brands to their purchases of Palm, Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC), and Compaq. They quickly announced a major contract to supply dinghy anchors to the Navy.
  8. Summer Vacation – In August 2013 nothing happened because everybody rented and shared a beach house for the summer.
  9. Angel Lull – In September 2013, not one company received seed funding because angel investors are tapped out by the lack of exits that create liquidity. Devil on the shoulder of the Angel’s ear starts whispering, “you’d have a better chance of an exit if you invested in a company instead of someone’s adolescent hopeful dream.
  10. Living Social – In October 2013 Living Social releases their best daily deal ever: The 15 percent off coupon to purchase initial public offering (IPO) shares of Living Social stock.
  11. Crowd Funding Success –  In November 2013, 15 crowdfunded companies Had IPO’s and a newly minted billionaire grandma purchases the Redskins away from Daniel Snyder. Two crowdfunding Billionaire widows and four orphans than pooled their earnings to purchase the Dallas Mavericks from Mark Cuban.
  12. Too Fuzzy – Hey, December 2013 is too far away and I’m not picking up a clear picture. What were you expecting? If you think I could see further in the future than 11 months, you probably believe in honest politicians, fair and balanced Fox News analysts, and Santa Clause.

So there you go! That’s what happened next year. As Seen in the Washington Business Journal’s TechFlash. © 20-Washington Business Journal. Used by permission.

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