Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review – a year in advance
Anyone can tell you what happened in 2017 but only right here in this space, right here…. on Mr Cranky’s, Driven Forward, Forward Thinking blog can people find out what happened in the year yet to come. Yes, folks, it’s Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review. In this post on this date, December 11, 2017, Mr Cranky is going to tell you what happened (as in past tense) in 2018 (as in the future).
- January 2018– LifeFuels, the overpriced camelback bottle filled with water and crushed up Flintstone Vitamins triumphantly returned from their 3rd CES. It was a total success as long as success is judged by adding more people to the waiting list of a product that has been adding people to its waiting list for 3 years. Folks if you’re tired of waiting on that list and since you’ve already proven you want stupid overpriced shit that makes no sense, I will send you a Camelback Water Bottle and a bottle of Flintstones Vitamins and I’ll do it for $190. That’s a $10 dollar savings over LifeFuels and I’ll actually ship you a product before you have grandchildren… assuming you don’t have any grandchildren today and your children are not yet preggers.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to Jonathan Perrelli for completing 3 straight years of running a company that doesn’t do anything.
- February 2018 – It is revealed that the very handsome, charming, Mr Cranky was hiring himself out as a sexy male model to attend DCTech Parties in order to create buzz and increase attendance. That explains why the ever-popular DCTech Icon leaves his home to find himself amongst the unwashed bourgeois. In other news, LifeFuels hasn’t shipped product yet. In other, other news, DC Tech veterans are baffled that DC Tech event attendance was down 84% versus last year. Mr Cranky issues a statement that lagging DCTech event attendance is unrelated to Mr Cranky’s increased attendance.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to the editorial staff at Technical.ly DC for tricking their parents into believing they have jobs.
- March 2018 – The Feds Raid, Trustify for pretending to be a business. Meanwhile, the cute couple admit they were paid by Peter Corbett to start the company to keep Mr Cranky busy writing about them instead of Corbett. In other news, Danny Boice, Jen Mellon and Anthony M. Conti, the Clown they hired to threaten Mr Cranky write Mr Cranky a second demand letter. Their demand? That if I’m going to write about them, would I please start using Grammarly. In other news LifeFuels still hasn’t shipped a product but they did get editorial coverage in “Billionaire Nigerian Prince Today” magazine.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to Freddy Mornganthal, for starting a new DCTech Identity Politics Meetup known as “Fat old bald guys who know someone who use to be a coder but is now an Uber Driver.”
- April 2018 – Mr. Cranky was checked into a mental institution for treatment of depression. Apparently, the prior months bust of Trustify has left Mr Cranky with nothing to write about. He is being treated for having no reason to live. In other news, Lifefuels almost shipped a product but the mistake was caught before they were able to qualify as a real company.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to Nurse Ratchet for strapping Mr Cranky Down for his Lobotomy.
- May 2018 – Filling the vacuum of toxic, critical thinking gap created by the institutionalization of Mr Cranky, DC Inno stepped in with a hard-hitting article critical of the DC Tech Ecosystem. The article? “Why doesn’t the DC Tech Meetup ever meet on a Friday Night?” DC Tech Meetup organizer, Shana Glanzer, shot back in a tweet, “Because that is a holy night for Muslims and Jews.” Fox News immediately began reporting about DC Tech’s War on Fridays. In other news Lifefuels won the most important indicator of success in this town, the oh-soooo-important, DCInno Office Envy award. Jonathon Perrelli, starts writing his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to Jen Mellon for being named Retroactive Co-Founder of the Federal Prison System.
- June 2018 – “Renowned Investor and Businessman,” Paul Singh announces on Angel List that he has formed a syndicate to buy a Bitcoin. Bitcoin prices reached $327,000. The syndicate, named Syndicate Unified Core Kickstarting Entrepreneurial Rarities (SUCKER) will accept investments as low as $5,000. Expenses, a 20% per year management fee and 20% carry. In other news, Lifefuels didn’t ship any product but they did buy a new Kuerig coffee maker.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to Donald Trump for making Federal employment suck so bad that great technologists working on technically challenging and well-funded projects like a Mars Rover have left the government in droves and are willing to work at starvation wages for startups doing boring work for DC Tech companies.
- July 2018 – Productivity for DC Tech companies was well below average as the average temperature in DC reached 110 degrees. DC tourism office starts a new campaign, “Phoenix may have the heat but we have the heat and the Humidity!” EPA and National Weather Service announced that “scientists” donated to the governement by the Koch Brother have found that the rising temperatures are caused by the large quantity of fake-scientists spouting hot air regarding human-driven rises in atmospheric carbon levels causing climate change. In other news, DCTech darling Lifefuels announces that if they had shipped product during the heat wave lives would have been saved.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to Andy Medici, of the Washington Business Journal for sending Mr Cranky a box of candy bars while the Crankster was recuperating at the Spring Grove Mental Hospital and Day Spa.
- August 2018 – Nothing happens in August in DC.
- September 2018 – DC Inno Announces Shotgun Grill Chair is their winner of the best technology company in DC. The Company? Shotgun Grill Chair (SGC), the worlds first Beach Chair that has an attached Shotgun and Gas Grill. Larry B Buffdin, Founder, and CEO of SGC, limped to the podium to accept his award and announce a recall of all chairs, to correct the position of early model Chairs designed with the Shotgun pointing at users feet. Not to be outdone, Technical.ly DC Announces their choice for startup of the year! LatDate a Latvian Dating app. Not to be outdone, Nibletz declares that they once had someone read their blog.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to every American Teacher who spent money on school supplies even though the new tax plan won’t allow teachers to expense out of pocket school supply purchases while that same tax plan allows the wealthy to deduct private school tuition and private jets.
- October 2018 – 1776 Celebrates its 6th year in business and its first year as a Business. In a sign that 1776 has made it as a real business, it went a year without having DCInno, Nibletz, and Technical.ly DC going gaga and all drooly in articles about the co-working space being a proxy for all things startup in DC. The fact that the faux press no longer celebrates 1776 as a “business” means they’ve actually graduated from a Disneyfied Epcot version of the Startup World to a useful workspace for entrepreneurs.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to Jennifer Maher and Anthony Maher of 1776/Benjamin’s Desk for bringing a dose of sanity and reality to DC.
- November 2018 – Speaking of Turkeys…. Evan Burfield’s Union tanks…. tank you very much! Boy wonder Evan Burfield finishes his 4th consecutive failure. Burfield declares the bankruptcy as a win, then appoints himself to the position of Executive Senior Cheif Architectural Visionary Chairman of the Startup Universe. In other news, the Universe goes Bankrupt.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner goes to Old Fart … One of the three people who reads Mr Cranky’s blog posts.
- December 2018 – The details for December are a little cloudy. Give me a break… that’s twelve months away! If you want to count that Lifefuels hasn’t done anything, including ship a product yet as news then there was that.The Mr Cranky DCTech 2018 Year in Review Person of the Month Award Winner Jonathon Perrelli for not shipping any Lifefuels in four years but once again winning another CES Innovation Award
And that was it for 2018… I’ll see you in 2018