LifeFuels Moonshot

In 1962, a young, charismatic President Kennedy announced an ambitious plan.

“First, I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the Earth.” John F. Kennedy, September 12 1962

Seven years later, Kennedy was not with us to hear these famous words.

“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Niel Armstrong, July, 20 1969

It was an ambitious plan. In fact, to this day, ambitious plans are often called moon shots. By setting an ambitious goal, American scientists and engineers pushed the envelope of science. Kennedy’s dream was realized.

In 2014, a bombastic, charismatic, buffoonish “entrepreneur,” Jonathon Perrelli announced his slightly less ambitious Moon Shot.

“First, I beleive that this company should commit istelf to acheiving the goal, before this decade is out, of making a water bottle and avoid the hoots and howls of Mr. Cranky.” Jonathon Perrelli, April Fools Day, 2014

More than Five years later, just nipping under the wire of the end of the decade, LifeFuels Announces,

“We’re kicking off our Pilot Program on June 12th.” LifeFuels

Yes according to an email from LifeFuels,

Dear LifeFueler

Subject: Pilot Program Details

You will be provided with a Bottle, three FuelPods and early access to the App. Please note, you will also receive your pre-ordered Bottle(s) when available to the general public (in the coming weeks)
    – All participants will be required to sign a Pilot Program Agreement before receiving the Bottle
    – The Bottle is yours to keep, there is no need to return it

All Bottles will be available for pickup during this event. Please join us for:
     – An in-depth walkthrough of your LifeFuels Bottle, FuelPods and App
    – A tour of our new office and a chance to meet our ever-growing team
     -Light appetizers and drinks

The LifeFuels HQ and event address are located at 11600 Sunrise Valley Drive, Suite 150, Reston, VA 2019. Please RSVP using the link below and select your Bottle pickup time. If you are unable to join us on June 12th but would still like to participate in the Pilot Program, please provide your mailing address within the form and we will mail it directly to you. You’ll receive a confirmation email with details this week.

Please join me in congratulating Jonathon Perrelli who’s taken 5 years, two years less than the moon landing, to come out with a Beta, non-commercial pilot version of a water bottle. Great job JP! You beat NASA by two years. If only the Astronauts had LifeFuels instead of Tang. Maybe they would have been better hydrated.

Because making a water bottle should take just two years less time than sending a man to the moon and back. It’s a significant scientific achievement.

Don’t get out your party dress and tuxes just yet for the victory celebration. Building a product that works (we don’t yet know if there is a product that works) and building a product that sells in quantities over and above the Cost of Goods, Cost of Acquisition, shipping, and overhead are two very different ball games. Having a cool office, a bunch of adoring kids working for you and wearing tee shirts is not a guaranteed winning business model… it’s just the JP business model.

Do people want a sophisticated, over-engineered, overpriced, overweight, inefficient, battery operated, phone-connected water bottle? Will they buy it? Will they buy it in enough numbers to justify keeping the kids in the Coolest office of DC? We’ll get that answer in a couple of years.

We’ll know if Jonathon Perrelli’s dream is successful as Kennedy’s the world will have it’s Moon Landing Equivalent Historical Achievement of this Century!

Why did it take so long? An unnamed source, someone I invented, said, “I think he took so long to deliver a product because he didn’t want to find out that no one wants his Rube Golberg Designed Water Bottle.”  It took 5 years to release and it will take another year for Perrelli to realize that once again… he failed. Six years to find out he failed. So much for the startup fail fast.

God Speed Jonathon Perrelli.

Update 5:39 PM: Just found a copy of the users manual… it looks like it’s this Pez Dispenser is going to be more complicated than the original NASA Moon landing program (see User Manual instructions).

All the things wrong with this over-engineered Camelback water bottle that I found by reading User Manual.

  1. Looks like the bottle capacity for liquid is only 1/2 the total volume of the bottle. The rest is fuel pods, batteries, electronics, and gremlins.
  2. That’s a lot of extra weight to be carrying around for such a puny amount of liquid. Not much payload in that thing.
  3. Let me get this straight… you push a button and the fuel pod releases it’s Pez and then you have to manually shake the bottle to mix it? WTF?
  4. Cleaning instructions… that’s a lot of work for a damn bottle of water.
  5. Back the f#&k up… you have to ship back the used Pez Pods every time you collect 25 of them.
  6. Unlike Pez… it doesn’t come with a Micky Mouse, Donald Duck or Goofy top.

I’m sorry for calling this a Rube-Goldberg designed device… Rube Goldberg stuff is designed better and easier to use.