LifeFuels is a Punchline to a Joke.
LifeFuels is entering its 5th year as a company. Actually, LifeFuels is not a company, it’s a punchline to a joke.
What do you call a company that has been in business for 5 years and has no product, no sales, no nothing of any value except for press releases?
Lifefuels is not a company, LifeFuels is a punchline to a joke.
On April Fools Day, 2014, Life Fool Jonathon Perrelli founded LifeFuels… a company designed by LifeFools to be used by LifeFools. A company designed to tell people that when they emptied a 12-ounce water bottle, they drank 12 ounces of water.
Lifefuels is not a company, LifeFuels is a tax write off for LifeFoolish investors.
In entering its 5th year of life, LifeFuels is a product company without a product. Yet, this productless company highlights its “award-winning product” for the fourth year in a row at the Consumer Electronics Show.
LifeFuels is not a company, LifeFuels is a Vanity Project for Chief Life Fool, Jonathon Perrelli
Remember the Seinfeld Show, was called a show about nothing? LifeFuels just released the Seinfeld Show of Press Releases. A press release about nothing. Some of the highlights:
“While exhibiting in 2016, LifeFuels successfully validated their product concept by being named an Innovation Award honoree and a “Best of CES” Finalist by Engadget. The startup also found its industrial design partner, DCA Design, and began a redesign of the bottle.”
The company fails to mention that CES will give this award to any company stupid enough to pay CES the fee for the meaningless award. It is the product achievement of claiming one is a Harvard man, because he took a Harvard Extension Class, open to anyone with a credit card (see Danny Boice’s Harvard Lie). LifeFuels wasted investor money to go to 4 CESs even though they had no product to show or sell and paid CES a fee so that CES would say that the product that LifeFuels might have someday but still doesn’t exist received an award that was earned by any company willing to pay the fee, evidently whether they did, in fact, have a product or not.
Jonathon Perrelli loved to tell people that Fortify, his failed Venture Firm raised $10 million dollars… it raised less than $5 million. He kept telling prospective investors that Sean Parker was going to invest in JP’s fund, Sean Parker can’t spell JP. Jonathon Perrelli is a teller of tall tales… a guy who talks about his wishes as if they were wases. Sorry, boy who cried wolf. I’m not buying it.
“Most importantly, during CES 2018, LifeFuels drew the attention of Keurig Dr Pepper (KDP) executives on the show floor. The companies built a strategic relationship, culminating in Keurig Dr Pepper investing in LifeFuels, closing out their Series-A round. The partnership will accelerate commercialization and growth of the LifeFuels patented, award-winning, portable beverage maker.”
Really? Accelerate? Really JP? Like, accelerate a thousand percent? From zero MPH to zero MPH. A year later no product? Quite the achievement.
Then he goes on to pretend there is some kind of Series A? You know what this Series A is? It’s a way of claiming you’ve closed a Series A that you have claimed you’re out raising for 3 years and claim victory instead of admitting you didn’t raise a Series A. Keurig does not make Series A investments. Very few corporations make venture investments that are not led by a true institutional investor. This Keurig thing is old news that Perrelli is trying to spin into bullshit that his company isn’t showing up for the 4th CES with no product and no progress. I assure you if it was an investment of significant cash, the amount raised would be part of the post. By the way, guess how many times Kuerig mentions this “unique, powerful, strategic investment and relationship with LifeFuels? How about zero (search LifeFuels on Kuerig.com)!
Further Proof that there’s no Series A? Just a year ago, DC’s clown prince of entrepreneurship, Jonathon Perrelli said,
“Once we announce our Series A investment, we will not only have the capital to go to market, we will also have a timeline for production.”
JP, JP, JP, the proof that you didn’t raise a series A is that you didn’t announce a timeline for production (See this post).
The press release goes on to say,
Bob Gamgort, Chief Executive Officer of KDP, stated, “LifeFuels has created a leading edge, technology-forward drink system that meets an important on-the-go consumer need – staying on track with hydration and nutritional goals. We’re excited to partner with them on their growth plans for 2019 and beyond.”
The operative non-bullshit term, Partner… not a strategic partner, no mention of a financial investment. Just a bullshit partnership. I call Bullshit on Series A. And Bob, do JP a favor, help JP prove that LifeFuels is not a punchline to a joke and mention the word LifeFuels just once on your damn website!
Consumers will be able to mix-and-match flavors and nutritional boosts to craft their own custom drinks in the portable beverage maker directly from the app. The integrated app tracks consumption, nutrition, and hydration while providing consumers with actionable insights to take control of their health and wellness.
The most telling words are, “will be able to,” and not, “are able to.” When investors look to invest in a company they evaluate what I call, the if-to-is ratio. LifeFuels fails the if-to-is ratio test. The company doesn’t have a product, a CEO or anyone on board who has ever built anything of any lasting value.
LifeFuels is not a company… LifeFuels is a punchline to a joke.
Some advice for people thinking of investing in LifeFuels… you might want to invest in the entire life cycle of human fluid dynamics… you should also invest in D Free. D Free is a wearable device that tells a person that they need to pee. You know what kind of person needs to be told that they need to pee? The same kind of person who would need a device to tell them that after they drank 12-ounces of water out of a 12-ounce water bottle that they just drank 12-ounces of water. With D Free, that person can be warned that they need to pee 12-ounces of water.
For those of you, interested in investing in devices that overcomplicate simple tasks, you might want to invest in this Automated Milk Mustache Remover.
LifeFuels is a Punchline to a Joke
Disclaimer: I volunteer my time and am an independent contractor for many organizations. The Views on my blog post are my own and do not represent the views of any of the organizations with whom I dedicate my time. That includes my clients in my coaching practice, the members of my Driven Forward ThinkTank, the University of Maryland. Mach37, The Founders Institute. These views also do not reflect the opinions for any organization that I was formerly associated with including, James Monroe Elementary School, where I graduated with distinction from 6th grade, Lexitron which I left in 1982, Montgomery Youth Hockey or Vistage an organization was grateful to be a part of and of which I happily parted ways in 2014.