King of the Startup Apps
King of the Startup Apps
Mr Cranky is the new King of the Startup Apps because I’ve got a bunch of great ideas. that I’m proud to announce will join the new incoming cohort of the Brake Decelerator. Brake for those who are unfamiliar, is a Super-de-duper 1776 DC-like decelerator. Like 1776 we say we’re a Venture Fund and we’re not. In fact the only thing holding Brake back from being a 1776 rival is that unlike Evan Burfield, the guys who run Brake actually have had profitable exits and not a record of being booted by investors from the only companies they ever founded. Oh and we don’t unintentionally invest in crappy companies… investing in crap is our mission.
Consider this an update to Mr Cranky’s Dumb Startup Ideas posted back in 2013
After having my fill of uber-stupid startup ideas I’ve decided to create the new class of equally well thought out Apps and here they are:
- EarCandy – The App that matches people who like to clean ears with people who get lots of ear wax. The ear cleaners collect the ear wax and drop it off at StinkyCheck.
- StinkyCheck – StinkyCheck is the payment app that connects to a check writing and mailing service that applies smelly old ear wax procured via a strategic partnership with EarCandy, to the back of each check they send. Use it to make a foul smelling payment for tax bills, alimony, traffic tickets and more.
- StinkyChecker – Not to be confused with StinkyCheck, StinkyChecker is the IoT when inserted in a diaper will send a mobile phone alert to caretakers when diapers need changing.
- NotTooSTinkyCheck – An appliance that when attached to your mobile phone determines if the clothing strewn on your floor is suitable to wear on a date.
I know… it’s starting to look like a themed… fund right?
- Distrustify – An app that does nothing for nobody better than everybody and has no known use except to pays the bills of its founder.
- SHOUT – A 145 character micro-blogging site that requires all cap letters. It’s Twitter for more verbose, more angry, people who yell.
- Trumpster – The app that teaches you to use the word Very when your sentences are getting too short and succinct. Sometimes it very very very tremendously adds very to things you have nothing to say about very very very very much! (see their venture pitch)
- PizzaHut Avoider – I got the idea for this from TollSmart, the app that helps you plan your route by avoiding tolls. PizzaHutAvoider helps you plan your route by avoiding bad Pizza-like food.
- DrunkDialEnabler – Unlike those apps that stop you from drunk dialing and making a fool of yourself, this app understands that when you’re stupid drunk, you are the most charming you’ll ever be so it starts dialingevery onee of the opposite sex on your contact list including your grandma or grandpa so that you can charm their pants off them.
- BunBoy – Takes a selfie and says…. “dump the bun, bun boy. ” Because when it comes to business, until all us Generation X’rs and Baby Boomers are dead, your bun doesn’t make you look cool bun boy, it just makes us laugh. Since it is my understanding that guy with a bun does not qualify as technically handicapped there is no law that protects bun boys from employment discrimination. Maybe you can get Kylie Jenner to do a Pepsi commercial about you Bun Boy.
- M8BSD – which stands for Magic 8 Ball Startup Deciderer. It’s a mobile phone version of the old magic eightball. Come up with a brilliant app idea. For instance something like Yo or PizzHutAvoider, or Yelp for Romanians…. tell your fabulous Sick Weather-like ideas to the phone, shake the phone and it responds with one of the following answer:
- Are you friggin kidding me?
- Get back to me when you’re sober.
- Sure…. go ahead…. ruin your life.
- Don’t you think you should finish 3rd grade before you do that?
- Wow, you’re dumb enough to run for President… and probably win.
- Why don’t you just get a 600 hundred 100 dollar bills, light them on fire and make roast marshmallows over that fire.
Notice: Any resemblance to apps, products, companies, dumpster fires or persons either living, dead or yet to be born is purely coincidental.