Happy Birthday LifeFuels! #DCTech @LifeFuels @Perrelli

Happy Birthday Lifefuels!

This week DC Darling, LifeFuels, led by DCTech’s VC and Entrepreneurial celebrity investor/founder/entrepreneur, Johnathon Perrelli, turned 4 years old! Congratulations… the 4 year birthday is a big one so Happy Birthday LifeFuels!

You know how hard Elmer Fudd use to work to kill da wabbit (Bugs Bunny) and never bagged himself a bunny?  In business, Perrelli is the DCTech version of Elmer Fudd. He keeps yelling that he’s hunting wabbits and yet his Bugs Bunny has eluded him. He’s failed his investors in Fortify and he’s failing his investors in LifeFuels (FYI Fortify is an investor in LifeFuels… double whammy).

To celebrate a LifeFuel’s birthday this week, Perrelli tweeted the following:

Hmmmm, he says, “If I were to claim a superpower, it is helping others discover and embrace their #superpower. Everyone has a superpower, do you know what yours is?”

Well, I’m Mr. Cranky and yes, I know what my superpower is, my nose can smell bullshit a mile away and my mouth can’t stop screaming, “Look Out! Don’t Step in that turd pile!”

Jonathon Perrelli is the failed founding “Venture Capitalist” of Fortify VC. He’s currently the founder and CEO of DC’s own, LifeFuels. Happy Birthday Lifefuels… you’re now 4 years old! In 4 years what has the company accomplished?

  • Won Two Pay-to-play CES innovation awards… an award won based on the size of the check you write and not the merits of your product or idea.
  • Won a DCInno Office Envy Award – the kind of award that no pre-revenue, money-losing startup shouldn’t ever win.
  • Collected lots of names on the waiting list for LifeFuels bottles (maybe they’re a division of Cambridge Analytics gathering data).
  • Raised $5 million dollars.
  • Patented a non-product.
  • Produced and delivered absolutely zero product.

Jonathon “Elmer Fudd” Perrelli is hunting wabbits. But when Elmer hunts wabbits, he’s not werry werry quiet. When JP hunts, he makes all kinds of noise. He bangs empty garbage cans around and scares the wabbits away before he can take a shot. In this picture he is celebrating a meaningless patent award that can easily be engineered around for a product that does not exist.

So let’s talk superpowers. Perrelli’s superpower is “Glitter Traction,” garnering attention while achieving nothing. His superpower, Glitter Traction, is to real Traction what Spam is to Ham. Only worse because unlike Spam, Glitter Traction has absolutely no nutritional value if you can’t follow it with some kind of monetization. Real traction is revenue!!!! Real traction has value.

So after miserably failing limited partner investors in Fortify VC and failing investors in LifeFuels. I bet Perrelli’s investors wish his superpower was, “getting shit done.”

He claims his superpower is helping others realize their superpowers. Did he get the LifeFuels team to discover and embrace their superpowers? Because if he did, it is obvious that no one on the Lifefuels team’s superpower was execution or product delivery.

Jonathon, like Elmer Fudd, can make an audience laugh. He’s a great pitchman and speaker. JP is an extraordinary community organizer and an excellent promoter… but businessman? Nope! Is he a CEO? Nope. How much would Perrelli have accomplished if he just shut his mouth, was werry werry quiet and simply focused on producing a product as opposed to hyping all that Glitter Traction?  Reminds me of this bathroom wall scrawl.

Happy Birthday Lifefuels… maybe someday you’ll have a product. And on that day, when you deliver your first revenue generating product… I’ll buy you a cake for the entire team! For now save your celbrations for when you deliver product. Book your first $100 thousand in revenue.  Sell a $1 million. Happy Birthday Lifefuels.