Great #DCTech News for Jonathon Perrelli LifeFuels

I have fabulous news for DCTech! Just fabulous and it involves our own Jonathon Perrelli!

It is what everyone in DC has been waiting for. A Tech Region defining company! We are just moments away from Jonathon Perrelli creating the DC Tech equivalent to Elon Musk’s sending a Tesla to Orbit around the Sun. After nearly 4 years…. and spending over a reported $3 million it’s nearly here! LifeFuels will be to DC what Coca-Cola is to Atlanta, what Microsoft and Amazon are to Seattle. This may even eclipse WMATA in the hearts and minds of Washingtonians.

What’s nearly here say you? Well according to Facebook, on February 14th, 2018, Jonathon Perrelli, self-proclaimed VC, serial entrepreneur, and the person who can pack more bullshit in a 5 foot 2 package than anyone else on earth has announced the following on Facebook.

“Once we announce our Series A investment, we will not only have the capital to go to market, we will also have a timeline for production.”

Let’s parce that very impressive statement… “Once we announce our Series A investment.” Now doesn’t that sound like he’s ready to announce his Series A investment? Or is it’s kind of like when President Trump (who admittedly bullshits more than Jonathon Perrelli but Trump is six foot two so It’s not amazing that he can pack slightly more bullshit in his tall frame than the diminutive Mr. Perrelli…. although, in Jonathon’s defense, JP’s hands are larger and less orange than the Presidents.) Okay so back to the Trump analogy thing, isn’t Jonathon’s claim kind of like when Trump says, I’ll let you know in two weeks, and years later we’re still waiting for the legal immigration papers of the first lady or his tax information or President Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate?

No ladies and Gentleman I’m sure there is a Series A investor somewhere who would invest serious money to give a guy who has reportedly spent nearly 4 years and $3 million to win two, CES awards. Come on folks, this is a two time CES award winner! What did he do to win the awards? Compete for something? Nope…. write a check. He won two pay to play awards over the past two years for a product that doesn’t exist. That’s integrity CES! Letting a guy pay you so you can give him an award two years in a row for a product that doesn’t exist!

And come on now… really? We’re talking about a water bottle. A bottle that is so good it took longer to create than an autonomous flying drone, than penicillin, than the pet rock, than other water bottles. Come on folks, the empire state building and pentagons were both built in a year.

This Lifefuels bottle of water is going to be way better than a Poland Springs bottle of water. First it will cost 100X more. So once this A-Series institutional investor sees how much progress JP and DC’s top company, LifeFuels have achieved after spending almost 4 years and over 3 million dollars, they’ll probably give him 10 million dollars so he can win 5 more Pay-To-Play, productless CES awards.

How about the next part of that statement, “we will now not only have the capital to go to market?” Well, I’m no rocket scientist, or in this case a water bottle scientist but don’t you need a product to go to market? We already know you don’t need one to be an Innovative Product CES award winner. But in real business, like in the real world, have things changed, can you go to market once you have money and no product?  Who knew? Jonathon Perrelli knew.

Finally, he says, “we will also have a timeline for production.” Well, a timeline is almost as good as a product. How much money does he need to have a timeline to tell you that he’ll have a product? Will it take as long to develop a timeline as it has the product? Sometime after the timeline is developed will JP begin to develop a product? Does CES have an award for Most Innovative Timeline?

I’d invest in a timeline! Unfortunately for me, JP won’t take my money. Heck, JP’s such a snowflake, he has blocked me on LinkedIn, and Twitter and Facebook so I can’t give him his much needed facebook likes. I have to use all the other people, he thinks are friends, who he hasn’t blocked to find out how sad this LifeFuels thing has become. And it makes me sad, I won’t be able to lose money in this innovative CES timeline.

By the way, want a LifeFuels Water Bottle? You can still sign up for the waitlist.