Startup Dictionary – An Urban-Dictionary for Startups

Startup speek is bullshit speek that requires translation. So I've created a Startup Dictionary to be like the Urban Dictionary for Startups. I hope this Startup Dictionary helps you distill truth from doublespeak. Agile - The excuse developers use for coding without a plan and running around in circles Artificial Intelligence (AI) - The living embodiment of the Shakespeare line, "first kill all the lawyers." It is AI that will replace the lawyers, accountants, and marketeers.  Look for a new AI app to answer spam email and phone calls. Award Winning - Pre-revenue company Big Data - Big deal Blockchain - Something that someday is going to be extremely valuable and important to people other than those people getting rich  running blockchain conferences Bootstrap - An idea either so good that it funds itself or so bad that no one will fund it Business Developer - Someone who will be making phone calls all day, every day to people who don't pick up the phone Change Agent - A nag or in Yiddish, Yenta Crypto-Currency - See Blockchain DCInno - Snot Rag Disruptive - Makes everything that nobody used or needed obsolete Elevator Pitch - Cramming 10 minutes of abstract meaningless jargon into a 30-second sentence that could be repeated in less than 30,...

Driven Forward DCTech 2019 Gift Calendar

What's the perfect holiday gift for DCTech Startup Fans? It's the Mr Cranky, 2019 Gift Calendar! Feel free to print this out and make your own or if you prefer, you can contact me and order your officially printed version. Printed, bound and sent to your address for just $19.99. Want to order one, contact me here. Tell me how many you want and I'll be in touch. Remember, if you'd like one, contact me here!...

The Heisenberg Institute is Seeking Nominations for the 2019 #DCTech Heisenberg Fellowship Cohort

The prestigious Heisenberg Institute is seeking nominations for their 2019 Heisenberg Fellowship DC Cohort. As many of you know the Heisenberg Institute has been sponsoring leaders of Innovation with their IOTA Heisenberg Fellowship program. The IOTA Heisenberg Fellowship is annually granted to four deserving fellows. The IOTA Fellowships are granted in the following four areas: I Fellows - Innovators O Fellows - Outside the Box Thinkers T Fellows - Thought Leaders A Fellows - Change Agents Former fellows include some of DC's best and brightest including, EverFi's - Tom Davidson, Proresource's - Judy Schram, nVite's - Marty Ringlein (See the complete list here). Fellows must reside within 100 miles of DC or know someone who does. Have made a demonstrable contribution to innovation in the DC region. Unlike past Heisenberg Fellowship honorees, the Institute has decided that all future fellows must be more interested in padding their curriculum vitae as opposed to actually accomplishing anything. The Heisenberg Institute, Heisenberg Fellowship nomination committee found that past nominees were too busy working and accomplishing things that it was a distraction from the true responsibility of a fellow which was to look like you were accomplishing something. Werner Duderstadt, executive director of the institute was quoted as saying, "We want Heisenberg Fellows...

Mr Cranky’s Got Photoshop Skills Not!

I don't know if you noticed but Mr. Cranky has mad photoshop skills! Which would be true if by mad you mean someone whose mind has ceased to function coherently. Okay, I'm too cheap to pay for photoshop and too lazy to learn how to use the tool anyway. I'm going to give you the trade secret behind my top top-notch production team.. me. The process goes like this. Find a picture. Put it in powerpoint. Use the remove background tool in powerpoint. Do photo and text mashups in powerpoint. Then cut the layered production and paste it into Windows Paint. Save and voila...

Startup Sh#t Heard In #DCTech Lately

I've been out and about DCTech the past weeks and have heard an assload of bad pitches mixed in with an occasional good pitch. Some of the pitching clowns said some the craziest things and some pretendpreneurs drive me crazy with the silliness of it all...

Random Rants of a Cranky Old Fart

I have been collecting a bunch of Random Rants that don't warrant a singular blog post so I thought I'd get them all out at once.  So here we go with Random Rants of a Cranky Old Fart. The Peter Noce Affair - My Mobile Phone Rings...

Blockchain Blockheads

It happened with Crowd Funding, it happened with Beanie Babies, it happened with Tulips and it's happening now with cryptocurrency and blockchain. Whenever there is a new "Big Thing." Whenever it's going to be the "Next Big Thing." There's a group of know-next-to-nothings, willing to monetize a know-nothing's greed in order to profit from shit they do not understand. Now I'm not saying Blockchain isn't going to be big. I think it's going to be HUGE! I'm talking HUGE with a silent H. Yet, when there is a gold rush, there is a rush for charlatans to insert themselves between the greedy and their wallets. You can tell when a market is heating up with grifters when there are more conferences on the market then there are marketeers. Take the recent deluge of Blockchain conferences booking any speaker who can spell blokchain (which leaves me out and thus why I'm ranting here) filling the stage with myopic one-eyed men (which is an expression that leaves out one-eyed women or even the more woke one-eyed-they) that rush into these nascent (which is a word that I have no idea what it means but man doesn't it make me sound smart) in an effort to fleece...

The TrustFuels Tesla Give-away!

For the last few years, I've been railing against the crooks, criminals, and clowns of DCTech and you know what? I think I got it wrong. I should learn from the insane clown posse that is DCTech and create my own Blue Ocean version of a Wolves of Startupland Startup. [caption id="attachment_77580" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] DC Tech Meetup[/caption] That's why I looked at two of DCTech's most "successful" startups. That is if success is to be judged by PR and income for the founders and not building a valuable company. With this in mind, I decided to create my own version of a DCTech success. First, let's look at the companies from which I modeled my new company, TrustFuels: Trustify - A company that raised $5 Million and spent approximately 30% of the money to deliver their product. The company is wildly unprofitable, hemorrhaging investor cash and yet the criminals who run the company, Cruella Jen Mellon and her husband Prison Tatted Danny Boice (Remember when he wasted investor money to sue me for telling the truth and then ran away with his tail between his stubby legs? That was fun!) live like Royalty. This company is reported nearly out of cash and needs to raise more...